It has come to my attention that many fellow parents of newly minted 18 year olds are struggling with some serious issues involving their children’s age-related independence and sense of responsibility. There is an idiom that says, “teenagers should go out and earn a living while they still think they know everything.” There is definitely some merit to this saying.
When children turn 18, it’s like an alien takes over their brains and convinces them that they not only know everything there is to know, but that they no longer have to clean up after themselves, and that they can take care of themselves just fine without their parents.. These teens are suddenly angry, defiant, mouthy, and disrespectful. Formerly sweet, loving, and kind, they indiscriminately use language that would make a sailor blush. They refuse to do the dishes, pick up their mess in the living room, or help with daily chores. Maybe that is the plan. Maybe these kids are supposed to become so hard to live with that parents feel justified in letting them leave home and explore the world
As a mother and a therapist, I implore you to be firm but patient with your budding adult. My work with teenagers who have been adopted or are in foster care has brought many of these very issues to my attention. My own son is challenging some of the rules and boundaries. While he and perhaps you child is spreading his wings—trying on their new selves so to speak—they may not be doing a very good job of it. We now know that a child’s frontal lobe does not fully develop until they are 28 or so. That means your teen is trying to make adult decisions with a brain that has not yet matured.
Certainly not all 18 year olds have difficulty with the pull of impending independence. Many get caught up in the excitement of choosing a college, graduating from high school, or starting their first full time job. These teenagers go off to college or junior college and deal with making decisions on their own just fine. If your teen is one of those, count your blessings.
However, many teenagers who have experienced foster care or adoption go through some difficulty at this stage of their lives. If your child is having trouble, here are a few guidelines that will help.
1. A good first step is to sit down with your son or daughter and reviewing the household rules. Try and do this before things get out of hand.
2. Review the curfew rules and adjust them to give your child more adult freedom. I removed the curfew but with the restriction that my son needs to let me know when I can expect him home, and that he will call at a reasonable hour if his plans change. On the other hand, it is expected that he take on more responsibility in caring for the house, doing his own laundry, and cleaning up after himself.
3. Be willing to bend some rules but let your child know what you expect in return. For instance, I expect my son to be considerate, and I remind him if he forgets. In reality, if he says “thank you” for dinner, I consider it a success. If he gets up and does the dishes, I do a victory dance in my head.
4. Don’t be so quick to throw your child out. There are a few parents who have given their young adult a choice— follow the rules or leave the house. A cautionary note: We probably didn’t do such a great job of being 18 ourselves. We made mistakes, too. I don’t have to remind anyone of the crazy things some of us did our senior year in high school or our first year away at college. While our own kids want to do it right, their brains may not be ready.
5. Your teenager might decide to move out and live with a friend because the rules are just too restrictive, even though they have not changed since he or she was a child. If that happens, keep the doors open. You might say something like,” I love you enough to let you go out and do it on your own and succeed or fail on your own merit. You are the kind of person who, I believe, will learn more life lessons in this way rather than staying at home and trying to follow our rules. I know that you will learn from your own mistakes. If you need advice, don’t hesitate to call me.”
6. Don’t offer money, just advice. It is so important that your teen knows what your rules are, when he or she can ask for financial help and when that is not an option. Don’t shut the door and turn the lock. Everyone will regret that move and opening the door again will be very hard to do. Your child is not necessarily making great choices right now but still needs your help and guidance. Be there for her.
The holidays should be filled with cooking and baking, tree trimming or warm gatherings to light the Chanukah lights. We tend to envision the holidays as they are depicted in magazines or on the Hallmark channel. If you are parenting a child who comes from a difficult past, who has spent the early years in an orphanage or has gone from one home to another, your holidays may be more challenging. As if the child’s history is not enough of an issue, sensory issues can make the hustle and bustle of the holidays even more problematic.
Here is my holiday survival kit for children with attachment issues and Sensory Integration problems.
- Keep your holiday plans low key with only a few smaller gatherings if that is possible.
- Don’t pass your attachment challenged child around to your relatives. Keep him close if he is very young. Have him play beside you if he is a toddler or preschooler. Older children can easily get riled up and your child will be the one who will become physically aggressive or will say hurtful things to a “cousin”. It never fails, your foster or adopted child will be the one to “ruin” the ambiance, making you feel like a failure as a parent or that you ruined the family feeling.
- Driving around looking at house lights or displays can be a low key way to enjoy the holidays. Putting up trees and lights can be fun but try not to overdo the decorations if your child is very tactile. Your child will feel the need to touch things because he experiences his world through touch and to put out breakable items and tell him not to touch may be too much If he is relatively new to your family.
- A word here about gifts is important. Try very hard not to overwhelm your child with lots of gifts. This can be a challenge when your child has only just come to live with you and you want to spoil him a bit. Stockings can be fun for hours before you even open the boxed gifts. Children love small toys and candy or cookies that often come in stockings. After stockings are done, a few gifts, 1 or 2 would be appropriate to open and play with for quite some time. If you want to give your child several gifts, scatter them out throughout Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the next few days afterward. Chanukah allows for gifts to be given for 8 days, one each day.
- Older children love electronic toys or gifts. One warning here, children who have ADHD easily get lost in these tools and games.
- A great idea a friend gave me for thank you notes is to take pictures of your child holding a gift from a relative and sending that picture to the giver with a picture or handprint or a short note for older children. Gratitude must be taught. It is never a given for any child.
- Keep treats down and hold back on the cookies, candies and soda that have the bright dyes in them, particularly red dyes. All children are sensitive to these dyes and our kids need us to monitor these drinks and foods so that they can have an enjoyable holiday.
- Last, but certainly not least, if you have a child with “sticky fingers”, a child who tends to take things he or she feels she wants but didn’t get, put gifts away fairly quickly. Don’t leave money, gift cards or electronic gifts out where your child will be tempted to slip them into his pocket. If your child does take something, have him give it back with an apology and give him some type of restitution to do right then. Keep to the facts and don’t lecture. Just act as quickly as possible. Don’t ask if he took it, don’t ask why he took it. Just deal with the issue and move on.
The holidays can be fun and memorable if your child is comfortable and has the opportunity to calm down when he has reached his emotional limit. Look for ways to help your children participate in the fun in smaller doses so that everyone can enjoy holidays!
I can’t say enough about the healing power of touch for a child who has been traumatized or suffered from neglect. Children need touch to survive and will die without it. The unfortunate reality of overcrowded orphanages provides indirect support for the negative impact of touch deprivation. Recently, researchers observed the development of infants raised in orphanage where the ratio of care providers to infants was low (9 infants to one provider). While the infants were appropriately fed, most often they were left alone in their cribs with minimal or no physical contact with the care providers. The children suffered from severe delays in physical growth and neurobehavioral development, and elevated rates of serious infections (Albers, Dana, and Hostetter, 1997).
When children come into our homes that have been traumatized, they might act like they don’t want to be touched, moving away from a hug or a pat on the arm, ducking from a kiss on the head or the cheek, or stiffening when picked up and held. So too, children who have been neglected, move away, stiffen and push away, act like they don’t like the feeling of being touched. These children present some challenges for parents who want to help them connect, bond, and eventually socialize.
Unfortunately, some adults try to “honor and appreciate” their child’s wishes. Other adults feel hurt that the child they have taken in does not want them or is rejecting the parents in some way. I want to dispel some myths and encourage you to find ways to connect through touch despite the messages these children are trying to convey. It is BECAUSE your child has not been touched, stroked, cuddled, tickled, or just held a grownups hand that she pulls away. It is because your child REQUIRES touch to grow and thrive that you must find a way to introduce healthy touch into her life. I want to be clear here. Your child is not rejecting you. He has not had the experience of healthy physical contact and so does not know how to connect to it but make no mistake, without it, he will not thrive.
Try a gentle touch on the arm whenever the child is otherwise involved. Require that he or she holds your hand when out in public, crossing the street, in a store in order to continue on that venture. This is as much for the child’s safety as it is for connection of course. Sit in a rocking chair and read a book. Try baking roll out cookies measuring the ingredients, , holding the rolling pin together, and later, decorating the cookies. This activity creates opportunities for eye contact and physical contact to take place in the spirit of fun.
Not all children enter our homes as young children. Many children enter foster or adoptive homes as older youth or teenagers. These young people have had years of physical neglect and worse, abusive touch. It is imperative for these kids to experience healthy touch as well. You may need to ask BEFORE touching your tween or teen as their startle response could cause them to feel the need to protect themselves. But safe touch is a back or shoulder rub, knuckle bumps, a secret signal handshake (great for 6-12 year old boys) just between you and him, and doing manicures and pedicures with the girls. For young people of color, lotion is necessary for their skin and oil for their hair to keep them looking good and healthy. This is a great opportunity for healthy touch. Help your youth with putting on lotion, learning to care for their hair.
Night time presents a great opportunity for one on one time and cuddling while watching a television show or a movie, reading your child a book, singing them to sleep. Message with lotion is a great way to safely touch your child. If your little one is young enough to need help bathing, this presents a great time to connect through touch. After her bath you can put lotion on arms, legs, back and neck. Allow the older child to put lotion on their own tummies. She might want to put lotion on you as well. Encourage this because this allows for reciprocity which is healthy for your attachment strained child.
All humans require touch in order to survive and thrive, from the newly born to the person who has lived their life to the fullest. Helping our kids to bond and connect to other human beings means that they NEED the power of positive touch to continue on their journey through life as healthy human beings. If you are providing foster care, find ways to make physical connections daily, even hourly with your young charges. Don’t use the excuse that they need to “bond to their adoptive family” as a way of avoiding touching them. He will bond faster if he knows what a hand on his shoulder feels like, a kiss on his cheek, a knuckle bump, lotion on his skin by your hands. Be the parent that makes that connection. She will never forget how you made the difference in her world.
Albers, Lisa H. Johnson, Dana E., and Hostetter, Margaret K. “Health of Children Adopted from the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe: Comparison with Preadoptive Medical Records.” Journal of the Medical Association 278.11 (1997): 922-924.
The conversation goes something like this:
Mom: Could you please take out the trash?
Youth: Why do I have to do that? I did it last week.
Mom: You didn’t either. I did it. Now take the trash out. (Why did you take out the trash last week if it was his job?)
Youth: I have homework to do. (right…your child would rather do his homework than take out the trash? NOT)
Mom. You are now engaged in the same old argument. Disengage from the argument. You have told your child what to do and expect him to do it. If you negotiate at this point, you have handed him the remote control.
My question to you: is this the hill you want to die on? What are you willing to do now? If taking out the trash every week is your child’s job, he needs to take out the trash unless he is in bed with a 101 degree fever or throwing up or at overnight camp. Your child loves to argue about absolutely everything. He does not let even THE smallest issue go by without arguing the point to exhaustion. He has become an In Your Face kind of kid, and it is wearing you out. What to do? What to do?
It really does not matter what the subject matter or what is asked of the child, some kids can’t pass up an opportunity to argue. The parents I work with are left scratching their heads. They wonder why their kid is so confrontational. Here are some theories that seem to make sense.
Attachment challenged kids have one thing in common, a lack of trust that their parents or the adults in their lives can adequately care for them. That means that the child must now take control and take care of themselves and everyone around them, including the parents who they perceive to be inept and deficient. All adults now fall into this category.
On the positive side, this is a great coping mechanism for the child who must remain in the horrible, neglectful, or abusive environment. These kids can often survive the most dire circumstances.
But . . . if Social Services rescues them from these homes and places them in foster care where they are well cared for, what do these controlling kids do now? I have never known a child to shrug off the mantle of control and say “Ok Mom, Dad, take the wheel here, I’m tired of driving the bus.” Just doesn’t happen, folks.
There is some medically based evidence that children who come from violent or abusive environments have higher than normal levels of cortisol¹. This is the chemical that triggers an increase in adrenaline. It is released when a person needs to engage the Fight, Flight, Freeze response that triggers survival behavior. If a child is in a dangerous or life threatening situation, cortisol is vital. It keeps the threatened child alert. It can help her find a safer place by staying quiet or by running to safety or fighting the person harming her.
Furthermore, significant research in human as well as animal research has found that while cortisol production is high, certain brain chemicals associated with human closeness and affection, parental touching, and holding are found to be greatly reduced in children who have experienced histories of chronic abuse or neglect ². Maltreated children have difficulty differentiating normal emotions like happy, sad, and fearful while showing increased arousal and attentiveness to perceived threats. ³.
What does this all mean? It means that all your good intentions and experience as a parent are only going to frustrate you more unless you can recognize and deal with the argumentative child differently than you do your other children. This child is wired differently. He has some different neurochemicals that are creating stress, both for your child and for you.
Let’s face it. Your foster or adopted child may be walking around feeling angry, frustrated, uncared about, lonely, or just wanting things his own way. When you get to the point where you believe he just needs a knock in the head or an attitude adjustment, consider that he may need a psychiatric evaluation that measures his levels of cortisol, and other brain chemicals (such as his serotonin, vasopressin and oxytocin.)
When there is too much cortisol running through the limbic or emotional center of his brain, he may not have the ability to put his brain in gear before engaging his mouth. That’s because the thinking portions of his brain, his prefrontal and frontal lobes cannot function at their maximum capacity.
Okay, you say. So now that I know all that, how do I make him stop arguing about everything?
- · Put up your hand and say, “I have told you what I need you to do. Arguing with me will not be necessary. I expect you to do it now. Just say, yes ma’am.” Not engaging will help a lot
- · I have used humor to remind myself not to engage. Try: “this seems to be where you start to argue with me. You have 1 minutes to give me all the reasons you can’t or won’t do XXX. When the timer goes off, stop talking and go do it. Now say, Yes ma’am”. If you tell them to argue, it takes the fun out of it.
- · Have the argument for them. Turn it around and you argue their side of it. It can work in your favor if not overdone.
- · Put yourself in time out for 10 minutes. When you don’t engage with them, they can’t rev up the cortisol.
- · Say a simple thank you when they don’t engage in an argument where you think they previously would have.
And remember, above all If you don’t ENGAGE YOUR BRAIN BEFORE PUTTING MOUTH IN GEAR, your child certainly won’t.
¹. Sanchez, 2001
². Wismer et al, 2005
³. Wismer and Pollack, 2004
I work with lots of children from the age of 4 to 17 who struggle with some form of disturbance in their lives. Some of these children are solid and healthy in mind and spirit with amazing resiliency given their family history of drug use, physical and emotional abuse, or neglect. Some of the children I work with are not so lucky. They suffer from depression, anxiety, relational disorders, conduct disturbances, and even more severe issues of schizophrenia, physical aggressiveness, daily tantrums, threats to kill each family member.
Some of the work I do with children is done in schools, grade schools primarily. As a home based therapist, I go into family homes most of the time, assessing the safety of the homes for the children and, at times, assessing the safety of the home for the parents as well. From time to time, I suggest that the parents consider an inpatient stay in a hospital for a period of time. All the time, I tell parents to keep sharp objects like knives out of the reach of children who have threatened anyone with a sharp object. I have recommended alarms on doors and always getting guns out the home of children who has very poor impulse control.
I am still amazed that some parents resist taking guns out the home when a child evidences some inclination toward violence and restricting access to violent video games which lowers the threshold for the child of the perception of violence and death. Many children who have some inclination toward violence have a hard time separating fact from fantasy, living in a world where magical thinking occurs on a regular basis, where people die on the screen but not really. When this is true, it is time to take stock and think about what is in the child’s best interest. What is in the best interest of all the people involved with that child.
To be clear, it is my heartfelt opinion that children should not be playing violent video games that showcase killing and death. They become immune to the shocking tragedy of death and violence. It is no longer a terrible thing that many people on the video screen are laying around dead at the player’s own hand. It is also not necessary to own an assault rifle or keep guns in the home where a child who or adult who has severe impulse control issues lives. We have strict rules for foster homes on guns and gun safety. There is a reason for those severe rules. And it is so very important to feed children a healthy diet with all the food groups and making sure if they are on medication, that they get it every day (even weekends) because they need to feel in control each day. Giving children days off from their medication is asking for a hard day for everyone. It also sends a dangerous message to disturbed children who learn that they don’t “always” need their meds and can stop taking them if they feel like it.
Therapists don’t want to be thought of as bossy or controlling but we do see a level of mental illness that the lay community does not often see. It breaks my heart that 20 5 and 6 year olds died at the hands of a young man who killed them with the semi-automatic assault rifle his mother bought for target practice and also died at the hands of. We can prevent this tragedy by using some common sense. We can prevent future tragedies by using our well-developed brains and recognizing how our self- serving attitudes puts everyone in danger from the youngest among us to the oldest members of our society.